


Anywhere That You Are

by 536



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Internal Conflict, Internal Monologue, M/M, Post-Break Up, Sad Ben
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-01-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:33:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22127206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/536/pseuds/536
Summary: Ben was a Mitchell, through and through. And Callum was Callum. Even if he did accept every part of Ben’s world—and Ben couldn’t fathom why he would—Ben couldn’t accept Callum into it. His world of cold cruelty. He didn’t want that to touch Callum and his world, where everything was good.Ben looking back at his relationship with Callum, from the start of it to the end.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Kudos: 38





	Anywhere That You Are

**Author's Note:**

> As much as this breakup is killing me, it's definitely inspiring. Hope you like it. Comments are much appreciated!

After Paul, Ben had accepted that he would never hold someone that way again and never be held. He accepted that the love that Paul had for him was all the love he would receive, and that it died the day he did. He accepted it so fully that he never actively thought about it. He’d slept with more men than he could count and never thought about emotions, neither his nor theirs. 

But Callum was like, well, Ben couldn’t figure out what he was like. He was good in all the ways Ben wasn’t, which meant he was all good. And of course, Ben wasn’t blind, Callum was cute, but that day he saw Callum on the swing changed everything. He couldn’t imagine what would make him so sad, this man who seemingly lived a simple life with his girlfriend. After that, he couldn’t stop thinking about him. 

He figured it out when Callum shoved him against the wall, tears in his eyes and anger in his gaze. His emotions, visible in his face, were harsh, but his hands on Ben’s clothes were not. All it took was for his eyes to drop to Ben’s lips for a second for Ben to figure it out. 

“I smell queer,” Ben had said. 

Callum didn’t have to give away as much as a he did. But it was like his conscience found a crack in the walls he had hidden that secret. Ben had been there before, had had that same secret. And Ben figuring it out, figuring Callum out, didn’t make him any less enthralled by him. If anything, he wanted to be closer to him—to help him. He told himself that he liked knowing this delicate secret Callum had and liked being the only one who knew. But what he didn’t let himself think about was how Callum was seeing a different side to Ben too, a side no one had seen in years. 

And that night in the park. Shit. Ben wished he could remember that night well enough, but all that seemed to have stuck with him was the sound of Callum’s gasps just loud enough to be heard over his own heartbeat. And the heat. The heat in his cheeks, neck, stomach, everywhere. It’s a memory of shadows with the occasional flash of something vivid. The look in Callum’s eyes right after they kissed, the feeling of Callum’s hand on his bare hip, and perhaps the one thing he would never forget even if he forgot everything else about that night, the sound of Callum whispering his name into his shoulder. 

His one regret was that he didn’t kiss him when they were done and Callum’s hands were back at his sides, uncertainty and fear in his eyes. He told himself he should have kissed Callum to let him know that what they did was okay. But Ben was selfish. He just wanted to kiss him a last time and know that it’ll be the last time. And he had been convinced that not having that closure was what kept him interested in Callum. Ben knew better now. 

  
He was too lucky to have him for the nearly three months that he did. He didn’t deserve it. And yet, he was so lost in it all—the warm mornings, the smiles, the belonging—that he convinced himself that he did. He didn’t think he would ever wake up in someone’s arms again and know that he’d come back to those same arms at night. He didn’t think Callum would meet his eyes and smile like seeing Ben was the best part of his day. He loved the days they spent with Lexi, following her lead and granting her wishes. He loved the evenings they spent with Jay and Lola, laughing and feeling young. He loved the nights they’d spend alone, connecting after being apart all day. He loved—he loved him. Of course he did. 

He couldn’t bring himself to tell him. Callum had said that all he wanted from Ben was the truth. _I will be anywhere that you are._ But Ben didn’t want him anywhere near that part of him. The part Ben had convinced himself he could separate from. Ben was a Mitchell, through and through. And Callum was Callum. Even if he did accept every part of Ben’s world—and Ben couldn’t fathom why he would—Ben couldn’t accept Callum into it. His world of cold cruelty. He didn’t want that to touch Callum and his world, where everything was good. 

He told him he didn’t love him. He watched as the tears gathered in Callum’s eyes. Callum couldn’t love him, and Ben hated himself for getting this close to someone again. Close enough that he could hurt them. Close enough that when he did, he’d be broken again. Except this time, he didn’t think he could come back from it if he did. He’d be broken beyond repair.

He didn’t even try to lie to himself and say that he was glad Callum left. He knew he was selfish but he just wanted him near enough that he could get glimpses of him on the street or in the Vic and faintly hear is voice as he walked by. 

Ben was a murderer. He killed someone’s son and father. Callum shouldn’t have to accept bloody hands holding his heart. Ben didn’t want that for Callum no matter how much he wanted it for himself. He chose a side, a side he didn’t want Callum to be in. He’d have to live with this decision he made.

He’d have to get used to being alone again—waking alone, sleeping alone, feeling alone. He’d done it once before. He could do it again. 


End file.
